Now we know that truth is dead. (R.I.P. 1750-2016). And that news can be anything that anyone makes up. So, in the interest of being up-to-date, this blog will now supply invented news for anyone who wants it. And here are the latest, surprising news releases from the era of Trumpf.
Trump Goes Eco, Wants to Preserve Wetlands:
Trump has suddenly realized the extreme importance of wetlands, especially those in the area of Washington, DC. Rather than draining the wetlands, as had proposed during his campaign, he has proposed new measures to sustain these vital areas. "There are very important creatures living in these wetland areas," said Trump, "and we must do everything we can to sustain these lifeforms". There will be no draining, and ecologists everywhere can rest assured that these wetlands will be preserved.
Trump Supports Our National Parks:
Trump has been on record as saying national parks are for losers. "Who wants to stay in some crummy old log cabin", he has said. But he has now changed his mind, and has become a great supporter of our National Parks. The National Park Service today announced a new agreement with Trump Hotels Enterprises to replace the archaic facilities in our parks with new updated ones. The first of the will be "Trump Yosemite", with an elegant new high-rise hotel to be built in Yosemite National Park, along with several world class golf courses. The facilities will be built at no cost to the taxpayers, and Trump Enterprises has also promised pay for the construction of a new six lane toll highway through the park (assuming the highway meets their standards). Its a win-win for everyone.
Trump Supports Campers, Too!:
Least people think that Trump only caters to those who wish stay in fancy resorts, the Trump administration has announced the construction of some new, special campgrounds for those who prefer camping and others who might want to "rough it". The camps will be built in beautifully isolated areas of Arizona and Utah, and will be open to people of all nationalities. In addition, recognizing the dangers of the world around us, there will be special high-security fences around the camping grounds to protect the campers from those that might want to harm them.
Redecorating the White House:
When Steve Bannon announced that he was going to "put the white back in the White House", some people misconstrued this as a racist statement. What he meant, Bannon explained, was that all the bathrooms and floors would be redone with the finest Italian white marble. "The American people deserve this", he said, "It's their White House and we want it to be the best building in the world."
Updated November 23, 2016
Infrastructure To the Fore:
Newly appointed czar of infrastructure Ivanka Trump announced the Trump administration's first big infrastructure project today, a pipeline to bring coal from Wyoming and West Virginia to New York City. The pipeline's terminus will be at the site of the former Ellis Island National Monument. When questioned about the difficulty of getting a pipeline through New Jersey, Ms. Trump replied that they are counting on Governor Christie, who has extensive experience in eliciting the cooperation of towns in New Jersey. Many scientists have questioned the central premise of the pipeline, that coal can flow uphill. Ms. Trump replied that the scientists were out of touch elitists, and were trying to prevent Americans from getting jobs. "We have consulted the best scientists in the world", she said, "and we have full confidence in the viability of the project." In addition, Ms. Trump noted that the project will not cost the federal government a single penny. "We are financing this project with an innovative combination of tax cuts and tax abatements. Many of my father's world-class projects were financed in a similar fashion, and we feel it's time the federal government learned from successful American businesses." The project will also be financed by selling shares directly to the American people, thus bypassing the elitist Wall Street banks. "We have a great team of university trained telephone sales people ready to offer the people of America this unique opportunity to invest in America's future", she said. Ms. Trump pointed out that there has been great interest abroad in getting some of America's coal, from place as far away as Newcastle, England, to the Crimea.
No comments:
Post a Comment